Standing on Top of a Skyscraper: My Battle With Panic Attacks

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

I froze as he pressed the barrel of his gun to my head and said, “I’m going to kill you!”  Then just as suddenly he turned and ran out the door of my office, down the hall and out to the street.  He knew I had pressed the panic button so he fled.  The officer showed up and asked me several questions while I sat trembling like a leaf.   Police cars drove up and down the streets looking for the man with a gun.  I drove home from work thinking, “Wow, I could have died today.” 

Just out of a verbally abusive relationship and over-committed in several areas of my life, I lacked the emotional reserves to fall back on.   The nightmares started immediately with vivid scenarios of me being chased by men with guns and an inability to escape or contact someone for help.  I would wake up feeling terrified.    The panic attacks were delayed.  A few weeks later I started having severe panic attacks.  I couldn’t function at work.  When a panic attack hit, I couldn’t think, I felt like I could get up and run a marathon at full speed at that very moment.  My body would surge with adrenaline.  

Even more distressing to me was that I couldn’t push through it.  I had put myself through a lot of stress in the past and I was always able to rebound.  This time I was incapable of pressing through.  I felt like a blow up bop bag that kept getting knocked over.  My counselor agreed with me that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Since I was having trouble functioning at work my therapist wrote a letter to my work requesting a medical leave of absence for one month. 

My work only gave me two weeks, which felt like two days.  I wasn’t ready to go back.  I will admit that It wasn’t easy to get back to work.  My clients who relied on me heavily noticed I wasn’t myself.  Many said they were sorry about what happened. 

I described feeling like I was on top of a skyscraper in heavy wind to my therapist who helped me visualize being held up by a strong bungee cord.    The visualization helped me.  I still often felt ready to run a marathon as my body kept releasing adrenaline in surges.  I wondered when it would all calm down.  

I used cognitive therapy methods to help me cope, stopped taking Claritin D realizing the decongestant made me anxious, I used deep breathing methods and visualizations.  Prayer from friends and trust in God helped tremendously.  It was a tough time that challenged me immensely. 

The reassuring part was realizing how God had protected me that day.   Normally, on Saturdays at the clinic there were only two people there.  This was the only Saturday I remember working there, over three years, that there was a third person at the office.   The painter threw off the assailant and gave me enough time to press the panic button.   The police officer said he just happened to be driving near our building and he got there quickly.   Had the painter not been talking in the hallway, causing the man to look out my office door, the scenario may have turned out very differently.    Knowing God had protected me also helped me to recover. 

Recovery is an ongoing process.  12 years later, I still am more sensitive to things than I used to be.  Scary shows, a loud noise, a recent encounter with an angry driver, all send adrenaline flowing through my body.  I very rarely have nightmares now and have learned how to take care of myself when PTST has been triggered.  Self-care is essential when recovering from trauma.  

I plan to follow up this blog with a list of methods to help you cope with PTSD or other types of anxiety.  Stay tuned, and thank you for listening to my story!

 Blessings, Gretchen



The Different Types of Anxiety

Anxiety comes in several different forms. If you suffer from anxiety you may know that you are anxious, but lack the discernment to know what type of anxiety you have. Treatment of anxiety involves first diagnosing your anxiety type, and then treating it specifically.

Here is a list of various clinical anxiety disorders:  

• Panic Disorder- A Panic Disorder sufferer will have intense episodes of panic that come on suddenly often without apparent cause or warning. The individual may experience a racing heartbeat, sweating, shaking, chest pain, shortness of breath, and a variety of other panic symptoms.


• Agoraphobia- Primarily understood as a fear of open spaces, it is often more related to a fear of having a panic attack in a location that would be difficult escape from for relief. Commonly the fears are brought on by crowded places such as grocery stores, subways, airplanes, or other similar locations.


• Social Phobia- This anxiety disorder involves an intense fear of social situations. It can involve any situation in which embarrassment or humiliation is feared.


• Specific Phobia- This phobia typically brings about avoidance of specific things or situations. The thing or situation is stagnant in that it doesn’t tend to change. For example, someone may have an intense fear of dogs but not fear other small animals.


• Generalized Anxiety Disorder- This type of anxiety is much less specific than other types of anxiety. Often the individual feels a chronic sense of anxiety over life circumstances that are stressful, such as finances. The symptoms are ongoing and last for 6 months or longer.


• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder- While tidiness is often an admirable trait; individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder take it to an extreme. They will become preoccupied by obsessive thoughts that lead to obsessive actions. An example would be someone who cleans the kitchen sink 5 – 10 times during each day. If the person were prevented from following through on their task, obsessive thoughts about the ritual of sink washing would then cause debilitating anxiety.


• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder- Disabling symptoms often develop for a person who experiences a traumatic event. A variety of acute anxiety symptoms surface surrounding memories of the event. Veterans of war, rape victims, and victims of severe catastrophic events can suffer from this disorder.


• Acute Stress Disorder- This disorder is similar to Post Traumatic Stress although the symptoms subside within a month of the event.


• Anxiety Disorder due to a General Medical Condition- There are a large number of medical disorders that can cause anxiety symptoms. Some examples are hyper- and hypothyroidism, a vitamin B-12 deficiency, or encephalitis. It is good medical practice to test for thyroid conditions when addressing anxiety symptoms.


• Substance–Induced Anxiety Disorder- A number of ingestible substances can trigger anxiety. Some common stimulants such as caffeine, ginseng, decongestants, or diet pills can trigger symptoms of anxiety. On of the first questions that should be asked when addressing anxiety is what substances are being used and when did the symptoms begin?

In order to treat your anxiety with impact and efficacy you must first define which type you are affected by. Once you are aware of your specific set of symptoms you can begin to treat the anxiety disorder. Any of the above listed anxiety disorders can range in severity from mild to severe.

In upcoming blog posts I will discuss individual anxiety disorders under a closer lens and discuss methods for combating and treating the anxiety. Stay tuned for more.

Blessings, Gretchen

Let Go of Worry

UNEXPECTED SITUATIONS

I remember a story one of my pastors told me that when they had invited guests over during the winter, they had prepared a casserole beforehand for their guests and set it out on the back porch to cool. When their guests arrived, and it was time to eat, they went out to get the casserole. Much to their dismay, the dish was empty, and apparently cleaned as if there never had been a casserole. Wondering what had happened, they looked around and noticed their sweet Labrador had also been outside, and was now contentedly licking her lips and looking for a nice spot to take a nap. They had forgotten she was outside.

If you were in this situation, I ask, would you be able to laugh about it with your guests, or would you panic and believe it to be a catastrophe? Would you worry about what your guests thought about you? Would you convince yourself that it was horrible that you failed to provide them with a home-cooked meal, or would you accept your disappointment and figure out from where you might order in?

I admit there was a time in my life that I would have seen this as a total catastrophe. I would have been horrified and ashamed. I would have needed lots of reassurance. Thankfully, I think I would cope with it better now. I have worked hard at shifting my inner thoughts and have reserved the words horrible or awful for things that really deserve it. It doesn’t always come easily, but if I work at it, I can do it.

GOD’S COMFORT

We all worry about things from time to time. It is natural to have concerns, and it is important to be realistic about life’s challenges. However, if we allow our fears to invade our daily thought life, we are robbed of enjoyment and freedom from fear. It is the enemy’s goal to rob us of things that God has given us. One of the things he wants to rob us of is peace of mind. Worry and peace really are incompatible. God comforts us and assures us that peace comes from Him and that we can possess it even in the midst of awful circumstances. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:7). His peace guards us and surrounds us, even in the darkest of times.

There are times in our lives when anyone would be confounded by our peace, but God gives it to us in an eternal perspective, and it is wrapped in His love for us. We know that even when things on earth go wrong, we will be with Him one day, free from the pain we endure on Earth. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:16–18).

The most important thing to do when wrestling with the problem of worry in our lives is to explore what Scripture says about worry:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

—Matthew 6:25–26

We are of great value to God, and He promises to take care of us. Recognizing our value to Him soothes the worry wart inside of us. When we worry we need to remember how much God cares about us.

*Excerpt taken from The Journey Out, Chapter 3, The Weed of Worry vs. The Fruit of Peace

Blessings to you, Gretchen

When Forgiveness is Hard to Do

“Reaching forgiveness takes guts. It also takes wisdom, patience and imagination. It can be the most complex psychological journey you’ll ever take.”

Dare to Forgive, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

Minor offenses are easy to forgive for most of us. They happen all of the time. The examples are endless; someone merges in front of you, friends show up a few minutes late, or someone borrows your book and forgets to return it. We often choose to forgive and not hold grudges for the minor things. What about the major things? They seem much harder; a neighbor steals your belongings, a loved one is killed in a careless accident, someone chooses to ruin your reputation by spreading lies, a disagreement results in insults and grudges held for years.

It’s a topic that stirs up many questions. How do we go about forgiving the big things? Why do some seem able to forgive and others proudly state they will never forgive? Is forgiveness the same as tolerating mistreatment? When is it okay to set boundaries or keep a distance? What happens when we stuff our feelings rather than truly forgive?

Choose to Forgive

Forgiveness is a complex issue filled with a wide range of potent emotions. It can be a very difficult process. It can take time to forgive even after you have chosen to. It is both a moment in time, and a lengthy process. Once forgiveness has occurred, it must continue to be chosen. A memory, a comment, a bad day can all trigger re-living the moment and going over it again and again in your head.

Forgiving just doesn’t seem fair. Justice doesn’t seem to get served. The offender walks away unscathed and unaware of the depth of pain caused. Somehow, keeping the bitterness active keeps the memory of your pain alive. The bitterness, a desire to be understood. If you forgive, doesn’t the offender walk away free?

Fantasies of revenge are common when there is bitterness. Thoughts of harm coming to the person who hurt you brings a sense of sinister satisfaction. The fantasies really don’t solve anything, but they do keep the pain alive. Possibly justice will come to them and getting to see it would be a delight. It would ease the pain. Where is the pain? In you own heart. The one who pays the price for anger and un-forgiveness is YOU.

Benefits of Forgiveness:

What are the benefits of forgiveness? There are many health benefits such as avoiding a variety of stress related health problems. Unforgiveness can cause long term psychological distress and lead to anxiety, depression, ulcers, or heart problems, to name a few.

The emotional benefits of forgiveness include peace of mind and lowered psychological distress. If you choose not to forgive, you may suffer ongoing unresolved anger that gets displaced into many other areas of your life. Some that you may not want to be affected.

I saw a woman on Oprah (Yes, I do watch her sometimes) who had forgiven the woman who had killed her child in a reckless car accident. The woman had been drunk. To the astonishment of everyone in the room she had befriended the woman who had caused her so much pain, and extended true forgiveness to her. She had shown this woman true grace and grit for choosing the path of forgiveness. Would I be able to do the same in the face of such loss? Not without a lot of prayer and help from Heaven. It always amazes me when someone forgives at that level.

How to forgive:

“It is impossible to forgive unless you first acknowledge what has hurt you.” (P. 101 The Journey Out, Anger vs. Forgiveness chapter). If you minimize your pain, or stuff your pain deep inside, then you cannot get in touch with what needs to be forgiven. We really cannot forgive, I believe, unless we truly admit to ourselves how much we are hurting and why. Writing it out, talking to a friend or counselor can help. Sometimes we feel afraid of the strength of our own emotion so we suppress it. You cannot lash out, but you can verbalize how much it hurts.

The next step involves making a decision that you want to forgive even if it is hard to do. In the words of Sarah McLeary in her book Choosing to Forgive; Learning to Love; “It’s a choice we make, and making the decision is half of the battle.” Often there is fear and uncertainty if we choose to forgive. Holding onto anger makes more sense. Forgiving doesn't feel right.

Then comes the hard part. Letting it go. Choose to lay down your grief, hurt, and fantasies of revenge, and stop wishing ill toward the person who offended you, no matter how horrible the offense. Sarah McLeary put it this way’ “Forgiving others meant that I had to give up the right I thought I had to punish those who had hurt me.”

Once you have forgiven, you need to keep laying it down. I know personally, that at any moment of any week the anger can resurface full force. You must choose to continue to lay it down and refuse to mull over resentments in your thoughts. I can feel my body’s physiology change when I start to think back on past hurts. Suddenly, I feel anxious, uneasy, my heart rate goes up and my stomach starts to turn. It is rather unpleasant.

Anyone who has truly forgiven knows that forgiveness is more for you than it is for the offender. It sets you free from the burden of carrying the pain in your heart. A burden the heart cannot handle on it's own.

I know, personally, I couldn’t do it without God’s help. I pleaded with him to help me forgive. I could not do it on my own. It was too difficult a task. I had to rely on God to help me get there. Once I had made the decision it took months before it finally clicked in. It was a moment I knew God had answered my prayers.

If you are having trouble forgiving on your own ask God to help you. Ask friends to pray for you. Talk to people who will help you along (some will help you foster resentments, so choose wisely). Keep wrestling with it until you get there. The result of freedom will be worth it.

We all need to be forgiven

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:12-13

We are able to truly forgive because we have been forgiven. We need to forgive so we can continue to receive the great and complete forgiveness that is a gift to us from Heaven. Do not forsake your gift by harboring resentment. Choose to forgive, no matter how difficult. I know you can, even if you think you cannot. I am not saying it is easy. I am saying that it is worthwhile.

Some books may also help you:

Dare to Forgive, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0757302939

Choosing to Forgive; Learning to Love, by Sarah McLeary

https://www.winepressbooks.com/product.asp?pid=2085&search=choosing+to+forgive+learning+to+love&select=Keywords&ss=1

The Journey Out (Anger vs. Forgiveness Chapter), by Gretchen Flores, LCPC

https://www.winepressbooks.com/product.asp?pid=1972&search=The+Journey+Out&select=Keywords&ss=1

Blessings, Gretchen

Insomnia: Causes and Cures

2:15, 2:21, 2:47, 3:06… watching the clock during insomnia can be tormenting. When will I finally fall asleep? You wonder. Finally, you drift off into a deep dreamy sleep and what feels like moments later; BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! The alarm irritatingly reminds you that you can’t sleep in to make up for hours lost. Groggy and tired you drag yourself out of bed and reach for that extra strong cup of coffee.

Insomnia, a frustrating condition to have. As an insomnia sufferer myself I understand the struggle. There are things that do work and that can help you get a better night’s sleep. You might still have the occasional night of wakefulness but hopefully not as often.

What causes insomnia?

There are different causes for insomnia for different people. Some may have chronic worry and cannot seem to turn off the worry switch in their mind and so obsessive thoughts disturb peaceful sleep. Others just wake up unable to fall back asleep. Still others sleep fine once they fall asleep, but may take hours to relax enough to sleep. All, equally frustrating, may require different method’s to solve.

Possible Causes:

• Worry


• Too much caffeine


• Too much ginseng or other stimulants


• Not enough exercise


• Sensitivity to sound and light


• Depression or anxiety

What solves insomnia?

Again, different people may require a different solution. Sometimes you have to work through different methods to find what works for you through trial and error. Each attempt has to be given some time and commitment, as it might not be solved in an instant. Here are some ideas to try:

Possible Solutions:

• Go to bed and wake up on a regular schedule (to train your body to be in a certain rhythm).


• Have a relaxing bed-time routine. Read, watch an unexciting show, slow down, get off the phone, computer or other things that require you to think. Drink herbal tea and wind down.


• Stop drinking coffee or other stimulants by early afternoon. Some say by noon. Find what works for you. If you need caffeine to get you through the afternoon then try a type of drink with less caffeine, such as tea.


• If you cannot fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and sit on the couch or other place until you feel drowsy again. Then go back to bed. (This trains your mind not to think too much while in bed).


• Some research has shown that those who take calcium supplements sleep better. http://www.ehow.com/how_4536607_calcium-sleep-well-night.html


• Melatonin, a natural sleep aide can help. You can buy Melatonin at the grocery store. Take it 20 minutes before bed.


• The worry box. For the worriers, a worry box helps. Buy note cards and a plastic note card box. Write down the things you worry about on the note cards. You are allowed to pull out the note cards for 10 minutes a day to worry. When you close the box you are not allowed to worry anymore. Some keep them organized in categories, such as Family, Work, and Misc…


• Drink a glass of milk before bed or during insomnia. Some research shows it doesn’t work. I will say that it works for me. It is supposed to release melatonin naturally and help you to fall asleep.


• Use the time to pray. If I can’t sleep I like to feel that I am using the time for something useful. I feel prayer is very useful and so I pray when I can’t sleep. Of course as I get tired my prayers become unusual “lord thank you for… help me to… eat pizza and get a new tire on my house…” But, I figure God understands. ;)


• If the cause of your insomnia is depression, then you may need an anti-depressant to help. Talk to your counselor or doctor about what might be best for you.


• For short-term insomnia a little bit of Benadryl can help. This is not useful for long-term insomnia and can cause dehydration.


• Sleep prescriptions can be habit forming and have side effects. Only try these if nothing else works. Also, you can probably cut the prescriptions in smaller doses because they are pretty powerful.


• Getting on a regular cardio exercise program can also help. People who exercise regularly sleep better. http://www.sleephotline.com/Sleep/categories/Excercise-Sleep.html


• Avoid long naps in the afternoon. If you absolutely need a nap. Set an alarm and make yourself get up after 10 to 20 minutes but no longer.


• Sometimes sleep deprivation can cause insomnia. Strangely, if you are over tired then you can’t sleep. Why? Because your body releases strong hormones to keep you going such as Cortisol or Adrenaline. If you make yourself stay up late to get things done, you may sabotage sleep later. http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/adrenal-fatigue-related-health-conditions/sleep-disruptions.html

Caffiene meter: (taken off the box of one of my favorite teas; Good Earth). http://www.goodearth.com

Coffee: 100 milligrams (Give or take)

Black Tea: 50 milligrams

Green Tea: 30 milligrams

White Tea: 20 milligrams

Herbal Tea: 0 milligrams

(Per 8 oz.)

Don’t make me give up my coffee!

For those of you who shudder when you think of cutting back on coffee or soda, let me tell you that the relief of a good night’s sleep is worth it. My doctor recently told me to “eliminate” caffeine for health reasons. Horrified, I kept repeating the word “eliminate” with a big question mark. “Eliminate? Certainly I can just cut back.” “No” she said. I had to stop.

Guess where the first place this compliant and willing patient went after the appointment? You guessed it. Starbucks! I headed straight there and ordered a Grande of my favorite coffee. That was my last one, though, for several weeks. I did stop drinking coffee. It was really hard to do. I was really tired and a bit grumpy. I was amazingly spacey and forgetful too. I became aware of how dependant on Caffeine I was to get through daily life.

I started to become aware of one nice side effect to my caffeine reduction…Sleep! Yes, I slept better. I felt better, and I had more natural energy during the day. It was great. Yes, I do drink a cup of coffee in the morning now, but I no longer drink three cups in the morning and then a cup or two in the afternoon. Why? Because I want to sleep! I have switched to tea for my afternoon pick me up and I do have more energy. Give it a try…I dare you. You might find you feel more rested and happier. Go for it.

Other resources:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sleep/HQ01387

Blessings to you and to all a good night’s sleep! Gretchen

The Secret of Being Content

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

We live in a consumer society where “get more, have more” is a commonplace mindset. Commercials feed us constantly with the notion that if we have their product then we will be happy. We will look more beautiful if we just use their merchandise. Also, if we decorate like Martha Stewart, than we are the “hostess with the most-est,” and the envy of all who we entertain. There is always more we can do, be, or have. There is constant pressure to perform better, market better, learn more, and be more.

Unfortunately, all of that comes with a high price tag of discontentment. I looked up the word discontent and it means to have dissatisfaction, or a restless longing for better circumstances. I think the key point is that it contributes to an impatient feeling. A real lack of peace or satisfaction is predominant in our spirit.

I am talking to myself as much as I am talking to you when I ask; “how then, do we learn to have contentment?” I personally find it to be a constant struggle. There is always someone who has a better car then my ‘97 silver Buick that is a hand-me-down from my Grandpa. The side mirror is torn off (It’s my daughter’s fault for distracting me with questions as I pulled out of the garage), and a rock hit my windshield leaving a crack. In addition, the handles in the backseat are worn so I have to get out and open the door form my son every morning before school.

I am actually very grateful for the car and love the v8 engine that picks up speed quickly when I need it to. Sometimes I want a new shiny car but I remind myself that this one works just fine and gets us all where we need to go. Truthfully, I am glad the back doors don’t work because it gives me a chance to give my son a kiss on the cheek before he runs into class. Thankfully, It also saves us a monthly payment.

My kids, too, want a car that has a video player in it so they can watch movies while we run our errands. Every time they bring this up I use it as an object lesson in contentment. I try to gently remind them to be grateful for what we do have. I try to help them to see the difference between wants and needs. We need food, but we want a video player. Having what we want is not important but God will provide for us what we need.

Think of the people in Haiti who barely have clothes on their backs, or a tent to shelter them. But for the grace of God that would be me. We Americans are so out of touch with real suffering. We think we are suffering because we drive a used car, can’t afford to put in a new deck, or go on a shopping spree. That is hardly suffering.

I was praying for Melkamu, this morning, who is our Compassion child. His picture sits on our fridge to remind us to pray for him. It also reminds me to be content with what I have because the poor little guy is wearing used and mismatched clothing. He’s covered in dirt, and he wears worn out girls’ shoes that protect his little feet. He is hardly the picture of fashion. He is so precious, and he reminds me that we live in a land of plenty and I have plenty to be grateful for. He serves a special purpose in our house. He helps us be more content with what we have. It seems he may have more of an impact on us than we have on him.

What does it mean to be content? It means that we are not jealous of our neighbor, we are grateful for what we do have, we help others who need more than us, and we refrain from complaining. Is this easy? I think not. I struggle with it everyday. The main point to learn contentment is to do what Paul says in the above verse; we rely on God’s strength and not our own.

Blessings, Gretchen

Interested in sponsoring a Compassion child?

http://www.compassion.com/sponsor_a_child/default.htm

Purging Judgmental Attitudes

“You then, why do you judge your brother? Why do you look down on your brother?”
Romans 14: 10a

As I cleaned out the refrigerator the other day, I realized I hadn’t done it in a while. I pulled out several Tupperware tubs full of stuff. The recent tubs weren’t so bad. It was effortless to toss the leftover food down the disposal. I held my breath as I opened some of the other tubs to protect my nose from the smell. I quickly dumped them out. Hairy mold developments existed in the corners. I thought, “Certainly it hasn’t been that long since I cleaned out the fridge.” Clearly it had, because there was a lot of gunk in there from old veggies to leftover stew.

When we judge others who are loved by God it is as smelly as old stew in the fridge. God asks us to love one another and to not judge. Yet, so many of us still are full of judgmental attitudes. Many of us “tend to judge from a self centered perspective rather than from God’s perspective. If we don’t like high heels, we may judge someone who does, if we don’t wear saggy pants, then we may think negatively about someone who does. If we do wear saggy pants we may judge someone who doesn’t dress this way and think they are old fashioned and obsolete. If we read the Bible everyday, we may judge someone who doesn’t. There are as many examples as there are people. The point is that we mustn’t judge from our own eyes, tastes, or preferences. Those are not essential. What matters to God is the heart, and we are not to judge that either” (P. 85 The Journey Out).

What God asks us to do is to love one an-other. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4: 8). We must love people regardless of ethnicity, background, socio-economic status, or skin color. When we love others we are passing along God’s grace. “If we are quick to judge others, we undermine the central component of God's grace and His compassion toward those to whom He longs to reveal His love” (P. 77 The Journey Out).

I have been disgusted by some of the judgmental attitudes I have observed recently on news, radio, and on bumper stickers. Why are some so free to share negative thoughts? How can we do a better job of showing God’s love? Even something as simple as good eye contact and a smile can go a long way.

Have you cleaned out your judgmental attitudes lately? They are as smelly and retched as rotting food in the fridge. Are you aware that they exist in your soul? Maybe they are hidden behind the yogurt you just bought. Maybe you haven’t checked lately. Have you become accustomed to their presence? Are you used to the smell? They may still be in there. Ask God to show you what they are. Repent, and say you are sorry for holding negative attitudes toward people that God loves. You may find that you feel more freedom in your own spirit.

Learning Assertive Communication by Using Your Emotions

I love how children are very raw about their feelings. Their feelings are on their sleeves. When they are sad or their feelings are hurt, the tears flow immediately. If they are happy they exclaim their glee with a fervor that make most adults smile with amusement. Why are adults so amused by this? Well, you see, adults have learned a skill that children haven’t yet mastered. We have learned how to suppress our emotions.

Adults know how to keep a happy face when we are sad, and how to contain our excitement when we are happy. Possibly this is why men love football games; it’s a socially acceptable place to jump up and down and yell with excitement. My husband sometimes goes hoarse after a good game. Why? It’s his chance to let it all out! Typically, the rest of the time we tend to keep our emotions in check.

On the other hand, some of us give our emotions too much credit and we do what therapists call “Emotional Reasoning.” If we feel angry, then something horrible must have just happened. If we are weepy then someone must have hurt our feelings, and so we lash out at the people around us. With further examination, we may realize that we are just disappointed and our reaction was an excessive response to the nature of the situation. Much harm can be caused when we allow our emotions to get the best of us. We may lash out, do something impulsively, falsely accuse someone, or even become suicidal.

What then do we do with our emotions? Can we trust them? Should we suppress them? Should we give them full vent and worry about the consequences later?

Learning to temper our emotions is possible and important. When you have a strong emotion, first ask yourself “what is the emotion I am feeling?” then “What triggered this feeling? Or why am I feeling this way?” Do all of this before you react impulsively. Give yourself a mini “time out” to reflect on your emotion and then decide deliberately how to express how you feel in a calm and assertive manner.

“Our emotions tell us important things, and when we are aware of them, we are able to use them to understand ourselves more. We learn what upsets us, what interests us, and what makes us feel sad” (p. 53, The Journey Out). Our emotions are powerful. We can experience a wide range of emotions such as elation, fury, or even deep sadness. Emotions release powerful neuro-chemicals into our body. They are so strong that they often override our logic.

At first we may look back after we have reacted and wonder how we got to that point. Then, as you practice tuning into your emotions, you can begin to catch yourself prior to your impulsive reaction. When we understand ourselves better we realize that we have more choices in how we respond to emotional situations. We don’t have to react on first impulse. Stop, tune into your emotions, and then decide how you will respond. Take a break if you need to. There is no rush.

The next step is learning to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive. When you are passive, you may be an emotional stuffer. In that case your feelings may surface in a form of depression or periodic rages. People can only contain strong emotions for so long before we need some form of an outlet. For some, it comes in the form of an addiction to self-medicate. If you are aggressive, then you may plow over everyone around you without consideration for his or her feelings. Your needs are central so you forget to be sensitive to others. Everyone knows what you think and how you feel.

Healthier communication involves learning assertiveness. In order to be assertive, it is important to use calm and direct communication. This sentence structure can be helpful; “I feel hurt because you didn’t wait for me.” Or “When we were late, I felt frustrated because I wanted to be there on time.” This form of communication is better than “You always make us late!”

Avoid using “You always (or never)” statements. This puts the other person on the defensive and often will lead to an argument. If someone confronts you then try to listen to what they have to say. Paraphrase what you hear them say and then respond with a calm, assertive response. This way you are more likely to resolve your differences rather than just be mad at each other.

For now, practice tuning into your emotions. Expand your feeling vocabulary. Basic feelings are; Mad, Sad, and Glad. See if you can go beyond that as you learn to tune into your emotional world a little bit more. Then begin to practice assertive communication. Good communication comes with practice.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions

Blessings, Gretchen

Overflowing Blessings (excerpt from The Journey Out)

In light of the earthquake in Haiti I thought I would blog on the topic of giving. So many of you have already given and will continue to give. Prayer support is also essential to pray for those on the ground helping the wounded and homeless there. Here is an excerpt from my book The Journey Out:

"When we have our hearts on heaven, we yearn to give to others. We feel blessed and full and taken care of, and it overflows into taking care of others in need. We don't feel competitive or afraid. In our security we are able to give to the poor as God commands us, knowing that we don't need to be afraid that we won't have what we need."But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be done in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret will reward you" (Matt. 6:3-4). The Lord rewards us when we give privately, not openly for others to see. (page 162, The Journey Out)

I am pretty certain that most of you have given out of the goodness of your hearts. The truth is that even though the economy is tight, we are all better off than those suffering in Haiti right now. Giving small amounts can go a long way, and can bless a lot of people with medical care and supplies. Please continue to give and to pray for those who are suffering. We know that God will reward us for giving privately. You may not see that reward until you are in heaven. However, I have heard stories of God's miraculous provision for us when we choose to give to those in need. I have even experienced it. If you are holding back out of fear of your own finances, take a chance and give privately. I assure you God will make sure your needs are also taken care of.

Two trusted ways to give to Haiti or other places in need:

http://www.worldrelief.org

http://www.compassion.com

Today is a New Day!

Today is a New Day!

I love the fresh start of a new day. Each morning signals a new beginning. It means that yesterday is completed and today is new. Yet, often as we face the morning we feel bogged down by yesterdays' troubles and tomorrows' worries. In doing so we forget to enjoy the present moment of our lives. Wearily we reach for the cup of strong hot coffee, hoping it will revive our bleary eyes and jump start us with fresh motivation. Still, desire can evade us as we press forward through the day.

Some of us are bogged down by financial stress, relational stress, and others of us face challenges at work with a difficult boss, or in looking for a job. Many women are juggling career and kids. The list of stressor's can be long. How do we get a new perspective for a new day? How do we get past that dreaded feeling that we will never break out of the rut we are in?

Prioritize: Take time to write a list of what is important to you. Not just what you need to do. I have a policy; "People before tasks." Time with friends or family can revive you and make life fulfilling. Forget the dishes and schedule coffee, forget less important "To Do" items and spend time with the people you love. I have a long current "To Do" list and I added one item; "-don't freak out" is on there to remind me to stay calm and keep perspective.

Simplify: If you are overloaded with too much to do, it may be time to eliminate some things. I know it can be difficult to say "no" but it is an important skill to learn. Us overly responsible types will say yes to just about anything and then wonder why we are so stressed out. Practice saying no and stop feeling so guilty about it. It really is okay to simplify your life so your mental and emotional well-being is intact. Your friends and family will thank you for it.

Slow down: Slow down and enjoy the beautiful moments of life. Savor them. Cherish them. Sometimes stress is so prominent that we fail to enjoy the good things in our life. Breathe deeply and look around you. Listen to the sounds. Stretch your arms and legs and even sit down for 5 minutes to pray or think or just be. It will help you.

Gratefulness: Take a moment to thank God for what you are blessed with. It can be as simple as; "Thank you God that I can walk," or "Thank you that I have a car that gets me places." It calms me when I think of the basic things I appreciate. The problems are still there but I am reminded of the problems I don't have and am glad. It may spur me to pray for others and get me out of my own self absorption.

Bite sized pieces: I know when I look at the whole problem or many problems at once I tend to freeze. I don't know where to start. Sometimes it helps to stay in the present moment and ask yourself; "What can I do right now?" A favorite verse of mine helps me to remember not to worry too far ahead; "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." (Matthew 6: 34)

Finally, We also have a bigger perspective when we remember that our struggles are temporary and that one day we will be free from our troubles; "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16: 33) We all will have our fair share of struggles to face in this life but one day we can rejoice that it has been completely overcome and we are free. Hang in there and enjoy the parts of life that make it truly meaningful.

Blessings to you! Gretchen