Be a Better Communicator: Couples' skills

Relationships are extremely challenging. Even people who love each other deeply will have challenges communicating sometimes. Here is a list of barriers to help you see what may get in the way. These barriers may be in the pre-conscious states. Realize you may need to reflect further on your thoughts and actions to identify your barriers. Barriers to Listening (not exhaustive): Denial- "I am the victim. I am not contributing to this problem." Entitlement- Making demands on the other, "You ought to treat me the way I expect you to." "I expect you to fulfill my demands of special treatment." Mistrust- "If I listen to you, you will take advantage of me." Revenge- "I have every right to punish you because of the way you treated me." Defensiveness- "I must argue and defend myself."

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Learning Assertive Communication by Using Your Emotions

I love how children are very raw about their feelings. Their feelings are on their sleeves. When they are sad or their feelings are hurt, the tears flow immediately. If they are happy they exclaim their glee with a fervor that make most adults smile with amusement. Why are adults so amused by this? Well, you see, adults have learned a skill that children haven’t yet mastered. We have learned how to suppress our emotions. Adults know how to keep a happy face when we are sad, and how to contain our excitement when we are happy. Possibly this is why men love football games; it’s a socially acceptable place to jump up and down and yell with excitement. My husband sometimes goes hoarse after a good game. Why? It’s his chance to let it all out! Typically, the rest of the time we tend to keep our emotions in check. On the other hand, some of us give our emotions too much credit and we do what therapists call “Emotional Reasoning.” If we feel angry, then something horrible must have just happened. If we are weepy then someone must have hurt our feelings, and so we lash out at the people around us. With further examination, we may realize that we are just disappointed and our reaction was an excessive response to the nature of the situation. Much harm can be caused when we allow our emotions to get the best of us. We may lash out, do something impulsively, falsely accuse someone, or even become suicidal. What then do we do with our emotions? Can we trust them? Should we suppress them? Should we give them full vent and worry about the consequences later?

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