Combating the Three F's of Holiday Stress

Holiday Anxiety;  How not to let the Holidays stress you out.

Holidays can be an anxious time.  For many it is a time filled with pressure to make it perfect and for others sad reminder of what is missing from your life.  Some will dread the holidays, others will use it as an escape.  Many of us love the holidays and want them to be ideal and we want to treasure the Joys of Christmas.    How do you keep the joy in Christmas when life can be so challenging sometimes?

Combating the Three F’s of Holiday Stress:

Frenetic Activity  - Most of us are already busy without the extra demands of holiday activities.  Once the holidays hit it becomes difficult to manage the pressures of extra parties, to do lists, shopping trips, card sending and home decorating.  We often kick into high gear and then droop with fatigue and then kick into high gear and then droop, and on the cycle goes. 

We started our Christmas shopping this year with our two little ones in tow and admit it was less than ideal.  Bribing them with a chance to purchase their own little $3.00 toy we bravely hit the stores.  Admittedly the kids were pretty good, but my 4 1/2 year old wanted to push the cart up and down all of the isles at TJ Max.  I tried to stay with her but soon realized she was never where I needed to be to find gifts, so I ventured out keeping a wary eye on her activities nearby.   Occasionally I would see her wiz by gleefully.  She nearly ran a store clerk over and she almost knocked some dishes on the floor before we decided maybe we had been in the store too long and it was time to try the next one.  

We came home fatigued ready for bed and ready to leave the dishes in the sink overnight so we could crash.  Sound familiar?  Maybe you don’t have the gleeful kiddos crashing into things but you certainly have the demands of extra holiday stress.  Be sure to simplify your schedule; eat out, get fast food, use paper plates, say no to some things, stuff a pile of unfolded laundry in the corner and pull out your clothes as needed.  sometimes it’s just not worth it to keep up the pace and do it all perfectly. 


Family -  The holidays are always a time for Christmas joy right?  Wrong.  Sometimes they are a time for grief, anger, or pressure to do things you don’t want to do.  Criticism from family members is a common problem many people face.  Families divided over past hurts have to face each other and decide whether or not to spend time together without bringing up the past.  Many of us feel anxiety about facing our family issues and are nervous about setting healthy boundaries.  

It is also common to feel grief at the loss of a loved one.  If a beloved family member has died the Christmas festivities just bring up a new wave of sadness and missing the person we loved.  Newly divorced men and women have to figure out how to spend the holiday time remembering last year they were an intact family.  Possibly friends have been lost, loyalties have shifted and the holidays make you feel hurt all over again. 

How do we get past all of the family stress to enjoy some of the Joy of Christmas?  First of all we need to realize the holiday is not really for us.  It is a celebration of Jesus’ birth to save us from our sins and to heal our hurts.  It is an act of worship to lovingly put up the lights and play the Christmas music.  If we remember that the true joy of Christmas is that we have been given the biggest second chance ever considered fathomable, then it is a time for joy.  A sense of relief comes when we realize with all of our imperfections that we are loved dearly by the King of Kings who came as a babe to demonstrate the unconditional love of the Father. 

Family issues aside, we are loved and that is worthy of celebration! 


Finances - In a down economy many of us are wary of any spending during the holidays.  Around 14 years ago I used to keep a tight budget writing down every penny I would spend on my paper ledger before bed.  However, when the holidays came up I would stop.  I would intentionally go into a bubble of denial for about two months and then start tracking my spending again sometime in February.   I had no idea how much I was spending because Christmas was supposed to be big. 

In my family growing up it was always big.   Oodles and oodles of presents would just keep coming.  My family liked to spend so I tried to keep up but realistically on my budget I couldn’t keep up so it went on the credit cards.  There was an unspoken rule that you had to buy several nice and special gifts for each person in the family.  Now I am married, have kids and have two, well three, sides of the family to buy for plus kids.  We can no longer be in denial about what we have to spend and we DO NOT use credit cards anymore.   As a family we sit down and decide what we can realistically spend and then we go out with our calculator and keep track.  

It is important to realize that shopping on a budget can be fun...it can almost be a game to see how many great deals you can find.  Many of you shop on Black Friday to bring cost down but I personally find it too stressful and shut down like a deer in headlights when stores are that busy with crazed shoppers trying to find the best deals.  We have found that Ross, TJ Max, and other stores always run discounts and if you are willing to look thoroughly you can find some great gifts.  

Keep in mind that Christmas is a special time but it is not an excuse to be excessive and irresponsible with finances.  I read recently that bank robberies go up before the holidays probably due to pressure to provide gifts.  Now, most of you won't go that far but if you can’t do much this year then admit it and be creative.   It is not worth it to strain your finances to keep everyone else happy.  Sometimes it is okay to admit that you have to hold back.  If family members are disappointed then let it go.  Remember what the holiday really is about and stay focused on the relationships that are important to you.  Make cookies and hot cocoa, and enjoy the worshipful music that fills the airways every year, go sledding or do something fun. 

Truthfully, some stress is unavoidable but if you can keep perspective then it can be a whole lot easier.  Three F's can also keep us on track:

Flexibility - Be flexible with scheduling.  If you need to change plans last minute then roll with it.  If something needs to change or not be included in the holiday repertoire then let it go!  Sometimes it is not worth the stress to try to do it all perfectly.

Focus - Focus on what is important.  Relationships are important but having the perfect dinner is not. If you ruin the potatoes, laugh it off and set them aside.  If you forgot to buy bows, leave them off this year.  Bows aren't important...love and laughter is.  Focus on what is important and let the little details go. 

Fun - If you aren't having any fun and the people around you are miserable because you are demanding perfection then something is off.  Don't forget to have fun, relax and laugh a little! 

I pray you have a wonderful holiday season and a very Merry Christmas!

In him-Gretchen

Pushing Past My Limits and Breaking My Own Rules

I set my alarm for 5:10 am so I could head out to Colorado Springs for a Continuing Education seminar.  I remember thinking that I was over scheduled this week and wondering how this was going to affect me.  I reassured myself it would be okay. 

I used to push myself past my limits regularly.  Somehow I would always find time to crash and recover but 11 years ago I learned the hard way that it is not a good idea to push yourself past your limits on a regular basis.  That was before I had kids when time to “recover” has become more and more difficult to find. 

I groggily got up at 5 am on this midweek day, and headed out to Colorado Springs for my seminar on Play Therapy Techniques.  I was excited about this seminar but was also acutely aware of how fatigued I was.  My son had had the flu on the weekend and I was up with him at night helping him and cleaning up throw up.  Then by Monday I had an upset tummy myself but chose to push through it since my clients are counting on me to be there for them and I knew I would be taking the next week off. 

Because of the scheduled time off, I had a full work week with long days.  I managed to make it through but felt the effects on my body as I slogged into the next day with the enthusiasm of a hippo wallowing in the mud.  Then by Friday I got home from work and my husband seemed cheerful and excited to emphasize that I had made it through the tough week.  Even with the flowers he brought me my happiness waned.  I was grouchy and couldn’t even stand the sound of my favorite music.  I turned off the radio.  I reminded him in a monotone voice that I still had a Toastmasters meeting the next day. 

I was supposed to do a speech after the main meeting for the nursing home residents in the “Speech-a-thon.”  Fortunately I came to my senses and chose not to do the speech-a-thon but went to the main meeting with my makeup on to cover over my dark circles, and a smile (faking it was one of my old coping skills).  I managed to win “best evaluator” and even did a Table Topics talk when you are given a topic on the spot to talk about without preparation time.  By the end of the meeting my muscles in my neck and back ached and my head hurt.  I knew I was well over my limit.  

What is a “limit” and why is it so important?  Learning what my limits are and respecting myself enough to honor them was one of the main components to my recovery from the severe burnout I experienced 11 years ago.  It is also one of the concepts I try to teach my clients when learning to manage stress and anxiety. 

A limit is an invisible line that exists between emotional, physical, and psychological well being and becoming anxious, irritable and stressed.  Once you have crossed the line it is important to pull yourself in quickly by slowing down, implementing self care, and getting rest. 

There was a time in my life I had no perception of a limit.  I had no awareness that one should exist and I lived past my limits all of the time.  I thought I was just driven and “hard working.”  My need to please others, to work hard, and be involved was tremendous.  I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do, and I had an insatiable need to do because I lacked the self esteem to understand that my worth was not linked to how well I did things.  I would push and push.  I pushed myself all of the time, and the funny thing is, when people find out you are a hard worker, something else happens...you get asked to do more things.  Then I found that the pressure also came from others that were expecting me to do for them.  I was programed to feel that nothing was ever good enough so I would strive and strive to perfect things. 

My burnout was actually a gift.  It was a gift that helped me to understand what a limit is and how to enforce it.  I learned that you can’t expect anyone else to enforce it for you.  You have to first respect yourself and your well being enough to be determined to honor your own limits.  I went over them this past week and the result was not pretty.  I don’t  even like being around myself when I am in that place.   Fortunately, last week was an exception and there were parts that were out of my control.   I’ll get back on track and be determined to take better care of myself this week.  That should be easy since I am on vacation.  What are your limits?  How can you honor your limits this week?  

I welcome your comments. 

How to Find Balance

Imbalance Causes Strain:

Balance is one of the biggest challenges in today’s society.  Striving for it is a challenge worth pursuing.  Imbalance comes when we spend too much time, effort, or thought on something that steals time away from other important things in our life.  When we are overly focused in one direction, other areas of our lives suffer.  Pressures to perform at work, our own perfectionism, demands from others can all create a lack of balance.  Imbalance in our lives can cause incredible strain.  It can also lead to burnout. 

Is there imbalance in your life?  Are you weighted too heavily in one direction or another?  If so, what can you do to change it? 

Ask Questions:

Start by asking a series of questions;  What is it that has fallen off the back of the truck while you have been so busy pursuing other goals?  What is it that you want to have back in your life?  What are the things that drain you?  What are the things that revive you?  Is where you are headed so important that you don’t have time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life?  How do you slow down enough to regain perspective on what truly is important and find the balance to maintain it?  

Follow Through on Change:

Once you have asked the questions needed to see what needs to change you need to change.  Asking the questions isn’t enough.  You must actively shift your priorities back to what is essential; time with family, time with friends, time with your spouse or your children.  Rest time is essential to recover from the burden of stressors in our day to day lives.   Rest can include sleep, relaxing, time doing something that you enjoy doing such as reading, fishing, calling a good friend. 

Why is this so important?  Because life can slip away when we are too busy chasing dreams.  Sometimes when my daughter looks at me with her large beautiful eyes and says, “Mom play with me,” I have to stop and consider what is most important at that moment.   Knowing she will soon be asking for the car keys instead of asking to play, I stop and get on the floor and play with the paper dolls for a moment and savor every moment of it.  Dishes may sit in the sink, work projects are calling my name, but I choose to let the world stop for a moment and savor a piece of heaven to bring the balance back.  What or who is it that you need to pay more attention to?  What do you need to pay less attention to in order to accomplish that. 

Stop for a minute and savor a moment of life.  Let the harried pace slow down and do the work to keep a balance in your life.  Perspective on what is truly important to you helps to focus your time.  Stop and consider what needs to change.  You will be happier and more fulfilled.                                                                      

Be a Better Communicator: Couples' skills

Relationships are extremely challenging.  Even people who love each other deeply will have challenges communicating sometimes.  Here is a list of barriers to help you see what may get in the way. These barriers may be in the pre-conscious states.  Realize you may need to reflect further on your thoughts and actions to identify your barriers. 

Barriers to Listening (not exhaustive):

Denial- "I am the victim.  I am not contributing to this problem."
Entitlement-   Making demands on the other, "You ought to treat me the way I expect you to."  "I expect you to fulfill my demands of special treatment."
Mistrust- "If I listen to you, you will take advantage of me."
Revenge- "I have every right to punish you because of the way you treated me."
Defensiveness- "I must argue and defend myself."

Barriers to self-expression (not exhaustive):

Conflict Phobia- adhere to the belief that "People with good relationships don't fight.  Conflict should be avoided.".
Emotophobia- "I shouldn't feel angry." The belief that anger is an unsafe emotion to have or express possibly due to imbalances in family of origin. 
Emotional Perfectionism- "I should always feel happy and loving. I should be in control of my emotions at all times."
Fear of rejection- "If I tell you how I feel, our relationship will fall apart and I will end up alone."
Passive aggression- "I will punish you with silence. I will get back at you indirectly (burn your toast, show up late, forget things important to you)."

The Problem with Matching:
Couples often will start an argument and fall into a trap called "Matching." One will raise his or her voice and the other will match it with an equally strong statement. The other raises his or her voice to defend their cause and the other will also raise their voice.  Both are saying a lot and neither is hearing what the other is saying.  Each walks away having convinced themselves they are right because they only heard their own side of the argument. 

In order to change this vicious cycle each needs to speak more calmly and listen to what their beloved is saying.  Listening and hearing your beloved doesn't mean you agree with them it just means you are trying to understand them.  If you are both trying to hear the other and let them share their feelings you are more likely to get at the root of the issue.  Most couples just want to feel understood.

EAR:

Once you identify your barriers to self expression and listening it's time to learn how to be a better listener.  Dr. David Burns, MD calls his method EAR (copyright 1991/2006).

E= Empathy

In communication giving your spouse or friend a sense that you care about them comes through empathy.

1. Disarm- Find some truth in what the other is saying even if you don't completely agree with them.

2. Empathize- Try to see things from their eyes and not your own.  Reflect back what you hear they are   saying and what you think they are feeling. Give them a chance to clarify. 

For example, "I hear you saying that you think the sky is purple and that makes you feel happy."  Notice how you don't have to agree with the person to show them you heard them.  Refrain from sarcastic tone or rolling you eyes. 

3. Inquire-  Ask questions to demonstrate interest and to learn more about their perspective.


A= Assertiveness

4. I Feel Statements- Once you have spent the time needed hearing your beloved's thoughts and feelings respond with assertiveness (as opposed to aggressiveness or passivity).  If you use "You always" or "You never" statements you will put the other on the defensive and a fight will flair up again. 

"I feel _________________ when _________________." Is a good sentence structure to use.

Often couples have a small feeling vocabulary because they are so busy fighting over facts and details.  The true emotion behind what has happened gets lost. 

Basic feeling words are:  angry, sad, hurt, lonely, afraid, uncertain, frustrated, disappointed, upset, confused, happy, glad, good, proud, etc....
   

R= Respect

5. Stroking-  Take time to validate the other persons' feelings.  Treat them with respect and even when you feel frustrated or upset.  Try to say something positive about the other person.  For example, "I appreciate that you helped me out the other day." Or "Thank you for taking time out of what you were doing to help me." or, "I can see that you are working really hard at work, you must be really tired." or even "Thank you for listening to me!"

Make sure you take turns listening and sharing so both of you have been able to address the issue.  Healthy Relationships are not one sided. 

With these tools you will find that you can resolve your conflicts and learn to understand and appreciate each other. 


(Taken in part from David D. Burns Attitudes that Inhibit Intimacy, Therapists Toolkit, 1989/2006).

If you are interested in my seminar Foundations For Marriage.  Please contact me at counseling@gretchenflores.com if you would like me to present this seminar at your church or local library.  

What I Learned From Adrenal Fatigue; A Faith Perspective (part 2)

Overachiever
Before I experienced burn out 10 years ago, I thought I was super spiritual.  I never ever missed church.  Even a Chicago blizzard couldn't keep me away from Sunday am church. I arose early to shovel my way out and brave the snow covered streets to get to church on time.  Truth was, I loved going to church.  I rarely missed my small group bible study and I always kept my commitments.  If I said yes to something (and I said yes to most things) I showed up.  I showed up even if I had a splitting headache, a stomach ache, or little sleep.

I never said it, but I looked down on people who only showed up to church occasionally thinking they were lazy.  I took great pride in my faith and my works oriented approach.  Very dutifully I went above and beyond what was expected of me and I thrived on it.   Sometimes, I got a rush out of it.  Little did I know I was soon headed for a downfall.  God was going to allow me to experience severe burnout (see also previous post on Adrenal Fatigue). 

After I burned out, I could no longer keep up with my own pace even if I tried.  Exhausted and depleted, I was forced to become what I had looked down upon.   I was forced to be the person who missed church, who stopped going to bible study, who said no to everyone who asked me to do something.  Or worse, just didn't show.  The life I had thrived on was gone. 

The Shift
Something important shifted in me and I became a more gracious person toward those I had failed to understand.  Pride was replaced with understanding, and arrogance with compassion.  Where I had  failed to comprehend what kept people out of church I now understood.  I became less judgmental toward the occasional church goer...shoot, I became one.

God had taught me an important spiritual lesson that his love and acceptance doesn't come from works.  It truly is his free gift.  He had allowed me to come to the end of myself to find him there ready to hold my weary body in his loving arms.   In his arms, just resting, I found relief and restoration.  The biggest surprise was acceptance and love from the one I thought would tell me to get up and do more.  I gained a new perspective and learned how to receive God's grace.

Verses for Consideration
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  Lamentations 3:22

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast.  Ephesians 2:4-9 (from http://www.biblegateway.com)

When Life Drains You: Adrenal Fatigue

Do you find yourself wondering, "What happened to the days when I had tons of endless energy?" Do you drag yourself out of bed with no motivation for the day?
Do you feel dread has replaced enthusiasm? Possibly you have adrenal fatigue.

I developed an interest in adrenal fatigue when I completely ran out of steam.  After years of taking on too much and not getting enough sleep I finally crashed and couldn't rebound.  I wondered how I had rebounded so well in the past and why suddenly I wasn't able to any more.  I started researching.

At first, my research was focused on how I could recover so I could start pushing myself hard again and be as productive as I used to be.  I soon realized that if I was going to recover, I needed to learn how to slow down and pace myself.  No more two and three hour sleep nights so I could do more than humanly possible.   No more taking on a full time job, a full time ministry, and saying yes to everyone who asked me to do something for them.  I was at the end of my rope and realized that if I kept up my insane pace I was in serious trouble. 

Recognizing why I pushed myself so hard was critical.  What drove me to push myself so hard? What was I trying to prove? What would my identity be once I learned to say no? Would people still like me?  A good hard look inward is a critical part of the process.  Unless you figure those things out, it will not matter what you learn about recovery from adrenal fatigue.  You will certainly fall back into old habits. 

What is Adrenal Fatigue Anyway?

Adrenal fatigue is when you have drained your adrenal system of it's reserves and you no longer have adrenalin or other similar hormones to keep you going.  Your body does a pretty good job of regulating itself on it's own when we pace ourselves reasonably.  It's when we push our body past it's own capacities over and over again that they system becomes taxed. 

If you push yourself past your limits of fatigue to accomplish more then your adrenals release powerful hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline; God given hormones to help us arise to a stressful situation if needed.  I'm glad for such a system in case I need to outrun a bear someday.  However, what research is showing is that modern day bombardments of work related stress and demands of an over-scheduled life tax our adrenals constantly.  It's like we are trying to out run a bear everyday.  As a result, a system that is supposed to help us out "in case of emergencies only" becomes a daily factor in our lives. 

Eventually, the adrenals will announce "I've had enough" and will shut down.  To keep up with my commitments I used to function on two or three hours of sleep, and then I would crash by going to bed at 6:00 pm and sleep 12-14 hours and then start over again.  Each time I was able to rebound with new energy to press ahead, at least until I couldn't anymore. 

Why are you reading this article?

Possibly you are reading this because you too are tired beyond belief and you are wondering how you can possibly keep up with the demands.  Or, possibly you are wondering how you can continue to be be Superman or Wonder Woman and want to make sure nothing stops you.  Or, maybe you see yourself on the path to self destruction and you realize at some point you need to stop but you just don't know how. 
Whatever your reasons are, I hope you learn something important to apply to your life to make it more fulfilling and not more demanding. 


Tips For Keeping a Better Balance

• Get enough sleep! Do not skimp on sleep.  When you do it forces your adrenals to produce more stress hormones to keep you going.  Eventually you will run out and a taxed adrenal system will leave you vulnerable to a variety of health problems.

• Take vitamin C and eat foods rich in vitamin C.  This will help your body recover from stressful events or lifestyle habits that tax the adrenals by lowering oxidative damage.

• Take a vitamin B complex to help you recover.  Your adrenals need vitamin B especially B3 (niacin), B5 (pantothenic acid), and B6 (pyridoxine) to function.

• Eat a well balanced diet with whole grains, fish, legumes, meats, and veggies. Processed foods will not help your body recover.  In fact they will tear it down. 

• If you feel a need to pump your body with caffeine take a nap instead.  Fatigue means you need sleep.  If you consistently push yourself past your limits, you will tax the adrenals causing greater and greater levels of fatigue later on.

• Eat breakfast.  This helps stabilize your blood sugar and supplies your body with nutrition so it doesn't have to draw from stress hormones that can be toxic at higher levels.  Go for whole grains and protein for breakfast. 

• Give up the notion that you have to accomplish it all perfectly. My dad once asked me how I manage to get blogs done with a family and a job.  My answer; if I get a blog out then I am probably behind on laundry (and a few other things).  It’s okay to prioritize.

• Learn how to say “no.”  For some of us this is a frightening proposal.  Your need to please others and attain approval is so high you cannot fathom saying no.  Well, it’s time to learn.  Go ahead...practice.  Say it out loud several times.  Say “no” to yourself in the mirror.  Start saying no to people who ask you to do things.  Realize that the world doesn’t come to an end and you are still liked and appreciated. 

• Honor your limits.  Learn to tune into your body and when you reach a threshold don't ignore it.  Take a break, put your head down on your desk and take a power nap, go home on time.  To honor your limits you need to tune into yourself and learn when you start to go beyond what is necessary. 

• Prioritize.  If you need to take some things out of your busy lifestyle then do it.  Tell yourself you can fit in in later.  If you are adding things take other things out.  You cannot do it all at the same time.  Tame the over-achiever in you and slow down.

• Keep fulfilling things in on your priority list. What fulfills you?  Time with friends? Family? Golf? Jogging?  Don't skimp on those....life is not just about being productive.  It is about having some fun too!

Truthfully, if you learn these important skills then you will be more satisfied with the things that you do choose to do.  You will have more energy for your family and less dread when you head to the office.  I hope you can find some of this useful.   Depending on how far along your adrenal fatigue is it may take time to recover.  Start implementing a few things and don’t give up if you don’t see results immediately.  For me it took a good year to start to feel better.  Then, each year after that just got better. 

Best wishes to you! 

Gretchen


great resources:

http://www.adrenalfatigue.org   

http://www.womentowomen.com/adrenalfatigue/default.aspx